Before dinner this evening, I had gotten angry with my father, he was innocent, just asking if I needed help with my chemistry, and I let it all out. I did not think before I spoke and I was not the good christian girl you may think I am. It pains me to tell you all this, but I feel the Lord wants me to use this experience to help others. Therefore, I will tell you all though it pains me, but at the same time it is joy. Before dinner when I was helping my mother with setting the table daddy came down to the table. I leaned over on his shoulder and said,"Daddy I am so sorry!!" He just kissed me and in his silence and his big hug I knew he had already forgiven me. You see I had been feeling horrible and beating myself up about it upstairs after the inncident happened, but I did not want to say I was sorry for I knew how horrible I had been. I realized that it was the christian thing to do and was loving others to say I was sorry and ask for my fathers forgiveness. Realizing our fault and knowing we are forgiven is an amazing thing!
During dinner I truly burst into tears because I felt so horrible about the horrible example I had been of godly character. I just cried and cried. My family knew that I was horrified about my blowing up at my father, it seems after an incident I always beat myself up. My sister then said, " Becca ask for forgiveness from the Lord." I knew he had already forgiven me, but I did and I felt at peace.
But it was not until after dinner that I really felt weight of my faults lifted from myself. I was talking with Beth after it all had happened and she said, " You know Proverbs has a lot of verses about your tongue." I said to her," Oh I know that, I even have some of them hanging on my wall in my room." She said," But you can't really see them, since the letters are so small, and you have to stand there and read them." It made me think why have I not read these verses and put them on index cards to memorize before. I have been memorizing some psalms that were very important to me, but memorizing the proverbs had not popped into my mind before. I immediately started reading a whole bunch of verses about the tongue and wrote them down on index cards. I came across one particular verse that really broke my heart and the Lord spoke to me through.
" Anxiety in a mans heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad." Proverbs 12:25
I realized that was why I had lashed out! My anger was because of anxiety! I have been frankly scared and been thinking the past few days about the future, not knowing it and how how will I ever become a better person or how will I get everything accomplished in the next few months! I had been anxious and worrrying about things that can not be done by myself alone, which my sister reminded me. She said," Becca you can't do it all alone!" I said "you are right, I can't!" I realized this and I am so grateful to the Lord for pointing it out even louder! I had realized this on monday, I had not yet taken it to heart, without him I can do nothing!
Well its getting late, I better sign off, but God bless you and may you become diligent, not anxious or worrying, or wrathful, but joyous and fulfilled only through Christ our Savior!